'Twas the week before Christmas, and all through Pompey
£2.25 snakebites, Miyagis purple honey.
Christmas parties over Zoom, Hasselhoff shoutouts on Memmo
Secret Santa was a fiver, coffee mug from Wilko.
Christmas market bratwurst, gonna put me in the red
Hope to pass out, by the time Hans Gruber is dead.
Santa called earlier, gonna pass on the milk and cookies,
He asked for my leftover Chinese and my last bottle of Moretti.
Though i've left it last minute, no petrol station gifting
'cause i got it all this weekend with Hideout free first class shipping.
Use code OHSHIT for free UK first class shipping on 18th, 19th & 20th December (should arrive in time for xmas)
Its that time of year again where every supermarket has produced a Cannes film festival worthy advert as if I hadn't considered going to the supermarket this year. This year as it has been for all years since i was 7, i'm still hoping for my full size Castle Greyskull with the working elevator and trap door. But its not all about the presents and its not necessarily about the food, but its certainly about whats on the telly so I am now going to present to you, my pick for five movies you should watch this christmas. Note these are not all traditional christmas films cause lets face it films like Random Acts of Christmas and A Christmas In Tennessee are alright to leave on for your nan whilst your necking the advocaat in the kitchen but its not the type of film that will create everlasting memories/trauma for you and yours this year.
1. Home Alone.
So as an immediate contradiction Home Alone is possibly the most Christmassy Christmas film I can think of. Though if you believe the theory that Kevins dad is a mafiosa it can be slid in-between Taxi Driver and Goodfellas any time of the year. The second one is good also, though Tim Curry does leave me feeling that there was a brief moment in the naughties where a live action Wild Thornberrys movie with Tim curry as Nigel was on the cards but alas we just instead look back at Pierce Morgan playing the pigeon lady. Ignore the other films.
2. Trading Places
A comedy that is so politically, racially and sexually charged that its guaranteed to start a fight at the table. Two billionaires wager over nature vs nurture in 80s America with Dan Aykroyd, Eddie Murphy and Jamie Lee Curtis. Its just good.
3. Jingle All The Way
Top of his game action star Arnie faces his toughest foe in the form of a mail man whilst living in a amazon prime-less apocalypse. All in the hopes his son doesn't become a Sith after a bad Christmas.
4. Die Hard
To be honest this was put here under peer pressure. Its an obvious cool guy choice and had I not spoken about how iconic Alan Rickman is I would have lost blog post privileges. Fun fact, this movie was the first time I heard the word mother fucker, my mum sent me to bed immediately after as I then call my 4 year old sister a mother fucker. Memories.
5. Batman Returns
Don't even @ me! Peak Tim Burton.
Ahead of the curve on the gritty and violent tone of a classically camp character(just like my boy Timothy Dalton as Bond), Michelle Pfeiffer's Catwoman was a sexual awakening for an entire generation, Michael Keatons Batman is still cool as ever and Danny DeVito has provided the perfect halloween costume for fat short guys ever since. Its grim, its cheesy and its festive. Just don't have it on as your tucking into your prawn cocktail.
There we have it, 5 films to turn my audience against me this Christmas. Feel free to give your recommendations in the comments and tell me why i'm wrong and don't know shit.
Merry Chrysler.
